Only 160 days left to go!

Firstly, I just have to say that anyone who knows me well will know that the baby countdown ticker I have added to my blog is meant to be just a tad ironic. In fact, I have some issues with the whole concept, as I know too well that a slightly distasteful graphical countdown doesn't guarantee that I will end up with a perfect and perfectly healthy mixed race baby in my arms at the end of 40 weeks like the image would suggest. But something happened to me this weekend. For the first time in a long time, I felt impossibly giddy about having another baby. I want the baby here NOW!

That being said, I still don't feel like telling anyone at work, which is starting to become difficult since I think I started showing last week, and I am already starting to walk funny. I wasn't anticipating this as I didn't start to show until much later with Julian, as I recall. Someone at work who I told about my pregnancy in confidence told someone else, who actually had the nerve to congratulate me, even though I hadn't told her personally. I gave her a look of death that asked why on earth she would dare approach me about something so personal without my mentioning it first. She backed off, but it made me realize that there are probably a lot of other people who know or have guessed as well. If so, at least they have the sense to keep their mouths shut.

The wonders of technology

Listen to baby N's* heartbeat at 16 weeks, made possible by my BabyBeat Doppler and EarlySounds Recorder.

*Yes, the baby has a name, which will be officially released in 2 weeks when we will hopefully learn that things are progressing normally and get to take a peak at the baby's girl or boy parts!

Frivolous post about frivolous baby things

I am pleased to report that I may have reached a point where I can be excited about frivolous baby things. At least where my brand new Tumi Baby Messenger Bag in Yam (pictured above) is concerned. I never got around to buying a diaper bag when I was pregnant with Julian because I couldn't make up my mind. You could say that I've been researching and testing various baby bags, ranging from your basic $30 Do-It-All Diaper Bag from Lands' End to the ridiculously priced $450 Burberry Novacheck diaper tote, for the past two years. Although it may seem like a minor issue to some, I do feel like a diaper bag is the one personal accessory that mothers of babies and small children can use to express their pre-baby style when budget allows.

I find Coach bags too heavy, and Kate Spade bags too fussy (plus, I can't stand the velcro). I have also considered the trendy celebrity favorites, such as OiOi, Reese Li, Petunia Pickle Bottom, Timi & Leslie, and Fleurville, but have been disappointed with certain features, such as non-adjustable straps, fabric that stains or snags easily, lack of organization, cutesy design, etc.

My new Tumi bag is amazing and perfect for the following reasons:

• It has a magical no-fuss magnetic closure (no velcro!).
• It's lightweight and easy to clean.
• The adjustable strap is long enough that I can wear the bag across my body, leaving my hands free.
• It is in proportion to my figure (i.e., big and bold enough that it doesn't make me look like a hippo).
• It's roomy with lots of organizational features, and comes with a changing pad and "dirties" bag.
• It has a very professional appearance, consistent with Tumi's other collections, making it perfect for a working mom.
• I got it for half off the retail price of $195 at the Tumi outlet (which explains why I got it in orange instead of black, in case you were wondering. I am trying to convince myself that it's much more stylish than the black version).

Breathe in, breathe out

I got my blood pressure machine the other day and let me tell you, it is the best thing ever. First of all, I am so relieved to see that my blood pressure is totally fine when taken in the comfort and safety of my own home. Secondly, aside from it being a monitoring device, it is also an educational tool. I have been using it to help myself understand what I can do to help bring it down by observing when it tends to be higher than usual.

I feel so much better just knowing that there isn't a physical problem with me (or the baby, as my trusty BabyBeat Doppler suggests) and that my blood pressure can be controlled by managing my stress. If it is high in the doctor's office again, I can point to "white coat syndrome," armed with my home measurements taken over time.

In case you think this might useful for you, too, after extensive research, I ordered the Omron HEM-780N2 Auto Inflate Blood Pressure Monitor with ComFit Cuff (fits up to 17" arms!) from Amazon.com for $66.52.

While I was at it, I also ordered the following meditation CDs, which got good reviews:

• Guided Meditations: For Developing Calmness, Awareness, and Love, $14.95
• Health Journeys: Meditations to Support A Healthy Pregnancy & Successful Childbirth (Health Journeys), $17.98

The gift that keeps on giving

Check out this story on NPR. Apparently there may be more good reasons to reproduce. Researchers can't prove it yet, but I like the idea that Julian may have left behind some of his cells to protect me.

Is it July yet?

What a week. I don't know if it's hormones or what, but I have been so agitated and irritable that I can hardly stand the sound of DH's voice, and that's not like me at all. Especially considering the emotionally turbulent week that DH has had himself, due to a miserable cold, and a luncheon with the author, Julian Barnes on Tuesday. I won't go into it too much, because it's DH's deal, but being at an event where the guest of honor shared a name with our dearly departed infant son turned out to be a bit more than he could cope with, hearing people speak his name over and over and so forth. Plus, being in the book business, he had always planned on having new books signed "To Julian," so it's understandable why he nearly broke down when Julian Barnes asked who he'd like his copy of Arthur and George made out to. It broke my heart when he called me at work to tell me what had happened. Needless to say, it was a very tough night.

The good news is that the doppler has definitely helped calm some of our anxieties about the baby--it works like a charm, and the sound of the baby's heartbeat makes us smile even on the worst of days. The bad news is that I think I've replaced anxiety about the baby with anxiety about my own health and well-being. My blood pressure has been higher than usual, and that worries me since I had pre-eclampsia at the end of my pregnancy with Julian. So, I ordered a blood pressure monitor. Pretty soon, I'll have my own medical supplies center.

14 weeks - I made it!

I finally made it to the second trimester! I thought I'd never get here. The other night, I had a dream that I woke up to learn that I had miscarried the day before I reached the second trimester. I was obviously upset over the unfairness of the whole thing, considering that statistically, most miscarriages occur in the first trimester. Anyway, the point is that I'm here now, and as Martha would say, that's a good thing.

P.S. Can I just say for the record that I think this baby is a girl? I could be wrong, but I'm basing it partially on the amount of stress she's already caused me! We should be able to find out four weeks from now, but I want to put it in writing in order to prove that I knew all along. Bets, anyone?

TurboTax and Uncle Sam

Last year, we were able to proudly declare Julian on our federal tax return, since he was born alive within the calendar year. (As if mothers of stillborn babies don't feel cheated enough, the federal government acknowledges parents whose baby lived long enough to breathe at least one breath, but not those who carried a baby to term and lost him or her prior to, or even during childbirth). I obviously knew that we wouldn't be able to claim him again this year, but I didn't expect filing my taxes to be the emotional chore that it was.

I was filing our joint taxes using TurboTax last night in the kitchen while DH was cooking dinner, and one of the first questions that came up on the screen was something like "You claimed Julian as a dependent last year. Is this information accurate for this year?" I knew I would have to say no, but my only option was to click the "Delete" button to erase the entry from this year's return. DH was reading over my shoulder and asked if I was okay--he saw this coming. I thought I would be okay, but having to physically click the "Delete" button on my son's life was momentarily traumatic. I know DH was affected by it, too. A small part of me expected there to be a pop up window asking me to explain my action. But the system didn't ask, "What happened?" or "Did your child die?" or offer "I'm sorry for your loss." It just deleted Julian from its memory. Computers (and the IRS) can be downright cruel.

The verdict

I decided to go ahead and rent a doppler. I went with the Legacy display model from babybeat.com, based on the many recommendations I got from others. It was $123 for 3 months--a small price to pay for my peace of mind. Strangely, I feel better already, just from being able to make a decision and feeling like I have some control over something. I think three months is a sensible, not-too-OCD choice, since by that time, the baby will be big enough that I should be able to feel him or her move. (Then I will have the option to drive myself crazy with kick counts.) It should arrive on Monday or Tuesday. I'll let you know how it goes!

To doppler or not to doppler

I never thought I'd say this, but after this past week's episode, I am seriously considering renting a doppler. I am nervous about mentioning this to my doctor, as I have a feeling she might discourage it for fear that it will drive me crazier than I already am. (I swear I will talk to her about it, mom, don't worry!)

In the meantime, I polled the women of SPALS and received the following recommendations that may be helpful to someone else out there. If you have other recommendations, please let me know!

-9 out of 10 rent vs. own

-1 owner recommended a product by Nicolet Vascular, which can be rented from storkradio.com (physician Rx required)

-The following companies were recommended for rental:

• babybeat.com (7 recommendations)
• dynamicdoppler.com (1 recommendation)
• sweetbeats.net (1 recommendation, physician Rx required)
• bellybeats.com (1 recommendation)

-Rental fees range from $22-$49 per month. Multi-month pre-paid rentals andmonth-to-month rentals available. Most companies will apply rental feestoward the purchase of the doppler if you end up wanting to keep it.

(Not so) random acts of kindness

My husband's lovely co-worker, J, who is a regular reader of my blog, sent him home with a gift of delicious Jacques Torres chocolates to give to me, because she knew I had a trying week (thanks, J!). Of course, I was moved to tears over this simple act of kindness, generosity, and compassion, and it got me thinking about how conflicted I am at times about what kind of support I need to get through this pregnancy.

I typically don't enjoy discussing this pregnancy with most people (exceptions include my husband, my mother, my mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law, my doctor, my therapist, my friends who are therapists, other grieving mothers, and of course, anyone reading this), for fear that any memory of Julian will be lost in others' excitement about the new baby. On the other hand, I do appreciate emotional support, and respect for the fact that I am simultaneously grieving my first baby while looking ahead to my hopes for the next one. I'm not usually a very needy person, but hugs, chocolates, flowers, cards, and baked goods are always appreciated! :)

Emotional breakdown #1

After my fun Sunday at home, peeing into a jug, I got up early and headed to the hospital for a drop-off and to get my BP checked. I was seen by a nurse rather quickly, and was very surprised to learn that my blood pressure had shot up to 140/80 since Friday when it was 120/80. However, my urine tested negative for protein, although it had tested positive on Friday. There's always something.

The nurse practitioner, who I really like, came in to talk to me and reassure me that everything was still fine, and at that point I asked if she could check the baby's heartbeat because I was getting a little freaked out, and over the weekend had worried that my symptoms were disappearing. She was so kind and could tell that I was getting worried, and said she'd check my blood pressure again, too. She spent what seemed like an eternity trying to find the baby's heartbeat. All the while, I was staring at the ceiling, thinking about how I'd have to take this week off work to schedule a D&C.

Eventually, she called in a nurse, who seemed to have a special technique, and found the heartbeat very very low on my left side after a few minutes (good thing I waxed yesterday!). They both seemed very relieved and reached to comfort me, at which point I had my first major emotional breakdown of this pregnancy. I had my blood pressure taken again a few minutes later and it had gone down to 128/80.

The nurse practitioner rubbed my back and reassured me again that things were okay, and confirmed that yes, this pregnancy is going to be full of these ups and downs, that every test is going to cause my level of anxiety to go up, and that it will basically feel like the longest 9 months of my life.

UPDATE, 12:30pm

Just got a call from the nurse practitioner with the official results of my early risk assessement for Down's and Trisomies 13 and 18. And the results are: 1/10,000--as good as it gets.

Jug-o-pee

After a protein-in-my-urine scare at my 12 week check-up on Friday, I got sent home with a huge jug labeled "24 Hour Urine Collection Kit" and "Biohazard" to fill over the weekend. That was fun to bring home on the bus. Because I had pre-eclampsia (pregnancy induced hypertension) during the last few days of my pregnancy with Julian, probably related to polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid), my doctor is being extra cautious. Protein in the urine this early is likely a fluke, thus the need for a 24 hour sample to rule out anything scary. Even knowing that she is just being cautious, and this is why I am seeing a high risk OB, it is still scary. Tomorrow will be my third visit to the hospital in a week and I am only 13 weeks. Maybe I should love the attention, and it will all hopefully be worth it in the end, but its tough to have this pregnancy treated like a serious medical condition, compared with my blissfully ignorant pregnancy with Julian. On a positive note, I did get to hear the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler on Friday, which was surprisingly easy to find and was in the 150s. I'm going to ask the nurse to listen again tomorrow when I drop off my jug-o-pee.

Something else to check off the list

The screening went well today, despite the typical 1 hour long wait, followed by 45 minutes of being poked and prodded, then finally a blood draw. Nuchal fold measurements of my uncooperative, Mexican jumping bean of a baby were taken via abdominal ultrasound by a technician, who then decided that she needed to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better picture since I am "thick" (thankfully, she did not use the word, "fat"). Eventually she called in a doctor (never a comforting sign), who was a little more confident in his poking and prodding, and concurred with her measurements. It's good that he was there, actually, because he was able to assure me that the measurement was normal, and not indicative of Down's, which the technician wouldn't have been able to speak to, either way. Luckily, I didn't feel the need to vomit until I was on my way out of the hospital. Success!

12 week update

Well, I'm feeling a little better since my last post, probably due to a combination of the following:

1. extra 25mg of crazy pills
2. acupuncture treatment for anxiety and morning sickness
3. bigger belly = evidence of a growing baby + passage of time (can you tell I am impatient?)
4. no more holidays or anniversaries for a while, no more 2005 ever
5. attempts to focus on the supports I do have, rather than those who have disappointed me
6. realization that I have the choice not to tell anyone about this pregnancy until they absolutely need to know, which will probably have the bonus effect of making the pregnancy seem shorter since I will have less time to worry about potentially idiotic/unhelpful/hurtful comments/questions/advice

I have my FASTER (First and Second Trimester Evaluation of Risk) screening for Down's Syndrome and other aneuploidies tomorrow (also known as a nuchal translucency test). Wish me luck!

Like a Calgon commercial

I have been feeling very stressed and grouchy since returning from vacation last week. I'm sure a lot of it is hormonal, but I also have this strong desire to go into hibernation for the next 7 months, to avoid everyone and everything until I wake up with a baby in my arms. What's keeping me sane is knowing that I get to start seeing Janine, my acupuncturist, again next week. She and the treatments really help take the edge off. I got a message from her during the holidays, checking in to see how I was doing and how my appointment with my new OB went (the new doc is great, by the way). I spoke to Janine today, and she was genuinely excited to hear from me and to know that things are going well so far. She is so kind to me that it makes me cry. When I was seeing her when I was trying to get pregnant, I completely fell in love with her and truly felt that she was the only person on the face of the earth who was making any attempt to help me whatsoever. (That's not really true, but I was feeling dramatic.) The fact that her magic needles and calming presence actually worked make me love her all the more.

Hang in there, peanut.

So far, so good (phew). New EDD (based on LMP) = 7/30/06.

I am a bird now

In loving memory of Julian Innes Fader (12/20/04 - 12/23/04)

"Still Here" - Jill Scott

I am a boisterous river
I am a mountains story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writers thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed
And if you don’t recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don’t recognize me, I am here
I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am the rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thought from thinking
I am a love unshattered
I am the great orgasm
And if you don’t recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don’t recognize my presence, I am here
And even if you don’t recognize me, I‘m still here
And even if you don’t recognize me
And even if you don’t recognize me, I‘m still here
And even if you don’t recognize me, I am, oh, I’m still here
Even if you don’t recognize me, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here

[The title of this post is taken from one of this year's most powerful albums, by Antony & The Johnsons.]

Happy birthday, Julian

Our beautiful son Julian came into the world a year ago on 12/20 at 7:10pm, with a head full of dark hair and beautiful brown eyes. He weighed 6 pounds, 3 ounces,and measured 19 inches long. I spent my whole pregnancy trying to picture what he would look like, but when I met him for the first time, it was likeI had known him for my whole life. It was at the same time the proudest and the saddest moment of my life because I knew that the time I would have with him would be limited. Julian struggled to be with us for 3 days before he died of heart failure caused by dilated cardiomyopathy. He only gave up the fight for his life when my husband and I held him and told him we loved him and that it was okay to let go, that he didn't need to be strong for us.

My husband, Robert and I spent the day together in quiet reflection (slightly distracted by the NYC transit strike). We are so thankful for each other and for the handful of family and friends who did manage to acknowledge Julian on what would have been his first birthday.

What not to say to a SPALS mom

I am only 5 1/2 weeks pregnant and already, I have been making a mental list of "What not to say to a subsequently-pregnant-after-a-loss mom." People can be really clueless. In no particular order, here are my new guidelines for how to behave around a SPALS mom such as myself:

1. Don't keep asking a woman who has suffered through pregnancy or infant loss if she is "pregnant yet." Planning a subsequent pregnancy is not exactly a joyous experience (especially when it doesn't happen quickly), and constant inquiries only add to the stress and isolation she feels on a daily basis.

2. If and when she does inform you of her subsequent pregnancy, be happy for her, but not overly celebratory. If she lost a full-term baby, she is bound to feel very vulnerable and anxious during her subsequent pregnancy, and knows too well that a positive pregnancy test doesn't automatically guarantee a successful pregnancy or a live healthy baby at the end of 9 months. She needs your care and support, but not a cheerleader. If you're unsure about the appropriate tone, follow her lead.

3. Don't perceive her new pregnancy as a sign that she has "moved on" or is "over" the baby she lost. She will never be over it, and will probably struggle a great deal with how to celebrate her pregnancy and bond with the new baby, while continuing to grieve for the baby who died.

4. Similarly, if you haven't done such a good job of listening to, supporting, visiting, or staying in touch with her since her baby died, don't take the announcement of the new pregnancy as a signal for you to try to resume your friendship where you left off before she lost her baby, as though you are relieved that she is "normal" and back to her "old self" again. Not only is this a false perception, but she may resent this kind of fair-weather friendship and may even be reluctant to tell you about her pregnancy for fear that you will respond in such a way.

5. Don't assume that she no longer wants to talk about the baby who died. Most SPALS moms love it when you remember their babies, especially (but not only) on anniversaries and holidays.

6. Don't assume that she now wants to hear about other peoples' pregnancies or other peoples' babies. Despite the fact that she is herself pregnant, she may feel very removed from those who have had an easy time of getting pregnant and bringing home a baby. Try to continue to be as sensitive and mindful about what you say to her (and within earshot of her) as you hopefully would have been during the months immediately following the death of her baby.

7. Please do try to keep your feelings about God, religion, etc. to yourself in relation to her pregnancy and/or the baby she lost (i.e., references to "God's will," "God's plan," "angels," or her "faith"). It is possible to offer secular or non-religious responses that sound more sincere and authentic than those that may be meaningless to her, depending upon her beliefs. Otherwise, there is a risk that your truly supportive sentiments may be clouded by religious imagery that she may be offended by if she is an agnostic, atheist, or has a nontheistic worldview.