Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I hate that I haven't been able to post as often as I'd like. Finding the time to blog while being a working mom of a living child is tough, but worse is the feeling that I have lots to say about the unique experience of being a mother of a subsequent baby but am too conflicted to find the words to fully express how I am feeling, or even if I could, I couldn't post them here because half the people who visit this blog only come by to see the cute baby pics I usually post when I'm feeling too stifled to speak my mind. Sometimes I wish I had chosen to remain anonymous when I started this so I wouldn't feel the need to self-censor. I have a lot to say and it's not all pretty and I'm not sorry. I am very capable of separating the love and joy I feel over my little girl from the sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, isolation, and loneliness I feel about my son's death and the impact it has had on my identity and interpersonal interactions, yet it's too easy for those outside the babyloss inner circle to interpret that to mean that I am not as far along as I "should" be in the grief process, that I need therapy, that I need to believe in a higher power, that I'm overly hostile or confrontational, that I don't love my daughter enough, that I'm not trying hard enough to move on, that I'm dwelling on the past, etc. If it's not already clear, any of those conclusions couldn't be further from the truth. Research and experience will tell you that all of this is normal and that it is absolutely possible to be a functional human being, hold down a job, be a loving mother and wife, feel what I feel, and not be certifiable. Most people just don't want to know, and I don't know if I blame them. I'm not going anywhere, and I fully intend to stay in touch with all the friends I have made in the blogosphere (thank you for everything!), but my heart isn't in this anymore. Perhaps at some point I will start a pink and fuzzy new blog fit for public consumption and another for those who inhabit the dark side. In the meantime, you can find some of my friends and me at http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
This morning, I was struck by what has become another favorite vocalization: "ya ya." Nearly 2 years ago, I posted about a dream I'd had about Julian. In my dream, he was around the same age Natalie is now, and he was clearly saying "ya ya." Given that I've spent next to no time around babies until now, it's interesting to me that my subconscious conjured up an image of Julian that was fairly developmentally accurate. If I let my mind wander over to the supernatural side for a moment, I can almost let myself believe that Natalie was delivering a message from her big brother.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Natalie's doing great. She's eating solids twice a day, sitting up on her own, and developing her own unique sense of humor. We are planning our first trip together to visit the UK relatives, so please send any travel tips you can think of! In the meantime, I'll try to catch up with all my friends in Blogland.
(Thanks to Wondertime magazine for the fun decorating idea!)
Monday, February 12, 2007
To chime in on the Dear Abby thing, that woman ("Abby") needs to be fired for incompetence. She's certainly no grief counselor or HR specialist, and apparently she's not much of a humanitarian either, and is sorely lacking in tact and grace. There's not much else I can say that hasn't already been said by all you industrious bloggers, but I just wanted to show that I was still paying attention.
All is well in our world at the moment. To summarize, 1. Natalie's still somewhere around the 50th percentile, a little on the petite side, but super strong and on the verge of sitting up on her own. She may, in fact, go straight to walking and skip the crawling stage, which is hopefully a sign of ambition and genius and nothing to be worried about. 2. We started solids a few weeks ago, which is going...okay. Maybe she'll take after Robert's side of the family and learn to bypass the buffet. The verdict so far is rice cereal: so-so; sweet potato: lovin' it; banana: not so much. 3. After months of being down on the Doctors Sears for my own failings as an attachment parent, it turns out we are co-sleeping by default (it's the only way the princess will sleep through the night). Is there such a thing as a baby who can't be Ferberized? As my SIL, Rosemary, says, "They're very cunning, these babies."
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
I am so thankful that Natalie is here, but I still feel like I am recuperating from a tremendous trauma. I'm working on it, but I also know that these feelings are likely to remain with me, at least to some degree. For better and for worse, I am different than I was in 2003 in profound ways. Here's to living with who I am now, in 2007. I am so grateful to all my blogger friends for accompanying me along this often painful and more recently joyful journey, and I am honored to join you in anticipating better times ahead for you and your families.