Monday, January 30, 2006
P.S. Can I just say for the record that I think this baby is a girl? I could be wrong, but I'm basing it partially on the amount of stress she's already caused me! We should be able to find out four weeks from now, but I want to put it in writing in order to prove that I knew all along. Bets, anyone?
Sunday, January 29, 2006
I was filing our joint taxes using TurboTax last night in the kitchen while DH was cooking dinner, and one of the first questions that came up on the screen was something like "You claimed Julian as a dependent last year. Is this information accurate for this year?" I knew I would have to say no, but my only option was to click the "Delete" button to erase the entry from this year's return. DH was reading over my shoulder and asked if I was okay--he saw this coming. I thought I would be okay, but having to physically click the "Delete" button on my son's life was momentarily traumatic. I know DH was affected by it, too. A small part of me expected there to be a pop up window asking me to explain my action. But the system didn't ask, "What happened?" or "Did your child die?" or offer "I'm sorry for your loss." It just deleted Julian from its memory. Computers (and the IRS) can be downright cruel.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Thursday, January 26, 2006
In the meantime, I polled the women of SPALS and received the following recommendations that may be helpful to someone else out there. If you have other recommendations, please let me know!
-9 out of 10 rent vs. own
-1 owner recommended a product by Nicolet Vascular, which can be rented from storkradio.com (physician Rx required)
-The following companies were recommended for rental:
- babybeat.com (7 recommendations)
- dynamicdoppler.com (1 recommendation)
- sweetbeats.net (1 recommendation, physician Rx required)
- bellybeats.com (1 recommendation)
-Rental fees range from $22-$49 per month. Multi-month pre-paid rentals andmonth-to-month rentals available. Most companies will apply rental feestoward the purchase of the doppler if you end up wanting to keep it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I typically don't enjoy discussing this pregnancy with most people (exceptions include my husband, my mother, my mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law, my doctor, my therapist, my friends who are therapists, other grieving mothers, and of course, anyone reading this), for fear that any memory of Julian will be lost in others' excitement about the new baby. On the other hand, I do appreciate emotional support, and respect for the fact that I am simultaneously grieving my first baby while looking ahead to my hopes for the next one. I'm not usually a very needy person, but hugs, chocolates, flowers, cards, and baked goods are always appreciated! :)
Monday, January 23, 2006
The nurse practitioner, who I really like, came in to talk to me and reassure me that everything was still fine, and at that point I asked if she could check the baby's heartbeat because I was getting a little freaked out, and over the weekend had worried that my symptoms were disappearing. She was so kind and could tell that I was getting worried, and said she'd check my blood pressure again, too. She spent what seemed like an eternity trying to find the baby's heartbeat. All the while, I was staring at the ceiling, thinking about how I'd have to take this week off work to schedule a D&C.
Eventually, she called in a nurse, who seemed to have a special technique, and found the heartbeat very very low on my left side after a few minutes (good thing I waxed yesterday!). They both seemed very relieved and reached to comfort me, at which point I had my first major emotional breakdown of this pregnancy. I had my blood pressure taken again a few minutes later and it had gone down to 128/80.
The nurse practitioner rubbed my back and reassured me again that things were okay, and confirmed that yes, this pregnancy is going to be full of these ups and downs, that every test is going to cause my level of anxiety to go up, and that it will basically feel like the longest 9 months of my life.
Just got a call from the nurse practitioner with the official results of my early risk assessement for Down's and Trisomies 13 and 18. And the results are: 1/10,000--as good as it gets.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
- extra 25mg of crazy pills
- acupuncture treatment for anxiety and morning sickness
- bigger belly = evidence of a growing baby + passage of time (can you tell I am impatient?)
- no more holidays or anniversaries for a while, no more 2005 ever
- attempts to focus on the supports I do have, rather than those who have disappointed me
- realization that I have the choice not to tell anyone about this pregnancy until they absolutely need to know, which will probably have the bonus effect of making the pregnancy seem shorter since I will have less time to worry about potentially idiotic/unhelpful/hurtful comments/questions/advice
I have my FASTER (First and Second Trimester Evaluation of Risk) screening for Down's Syndrome and other aneuploidies tomorrow (also known as a nuchal translucency test). Wish me luck!