Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I officially hate this blog.

Warning: this is a long rambling vent where at the end I think I decide to stop writing this blog.

I hate that I haven't been able to post as often as I'd like. Finding the time to blog while being a working mom of a living child is tough, but worse is the feeling that I have lots to say about the unique experience of being a mother of a subsequent baby but am too conflicted to find the words to fully express how I am feeling, or even if I could, I couldn't post them here because half the people who visit this blog only come by to see the cute baby pics I usually post when I'm feeling too stifled to speak my mind. Sometimes I wish I had chosen to remain anonymous when I started this so I wouldn't feel the need to self-censor. I have a lot to say and it's not all pretty and I'm not sorry. I am very capable of separating the love and joy I feel over my little girl from the sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, isolation, and loneliness I feel about my son's death and the impact it has had on my identity and interpersonal interactions, yet it's too easy for those outside the babyloss inner circle to interpret that to mean that I am not as far along as I "should" be in the grief process, that I need therapy, that I need to believe in a higher power, that I'm overly hostile or confrontational, that I don't love my daughter enough, that I'm not trying hard enough to move on, that I'm dwelling on the past, etc. If it's not already clear, any of those conclusions couldn't be further from the truth. Research and experience will tell you that all of this is normal and that it is absolutely possible to be a functional human being, hold down a job, be a loving mother and wife, feel what I feel, and not be certifiable. Most people just don't want to know, and I don't know if I blame them. I'm not going anywhere, and I fully intend to stay in touch with all the friends I have made in the blogosphere (thank you for everything!), but my heart isn't in this anymore. Perhaps at some point I will start a pink and fuzzy new blog fit for public consumption and another for those who inhabit the dark side. In the meantime, you can find some of my friends and me at