Natalie's Room

I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon and share a recent photo of Natalie's room. This is my last week at work and I'm busy making preparations. I think I'll actually break down and wash her clothes next week. It's strange--as anxious as I am about bringing her home, the only thing that helps me get through it is to continue to get everything ready for her arrival. I know some people would be so paralyzed by fear that they'd worry about jinxing things.

Let's be clear. I'm scared to death. No amount of scans or tests can convince me of what I know. My first baby died, and I am in the unusual position of knowing more people whose babies have died than have come home. (Yes, this is a true statement. I still don't have a lot of close friends or co-workers with children, I don't have siblings, and DH's friends and family had their children a while ago). It reminds me of my friend, M., who spent her early career working with children with cancer. When she had her son, she was shocked that he was healthy, because all the other children in her life had cancer.

For me, the choice to have another child is a try without a guaranteed outcome. It's a leap of faith, and faith is not something I'm very big on, being someone who tends to rely on a combination of facts and intuition. Every week that Natalie is still with us is a joy and a relief, but pregnancy is still a scary place for me to be and I look forward to the day she is living on the outside, in the safety of the home that has been awaiting her for what feels like years. I hope my OB will agree to induce me earlier than 39 weeks if I am going crazy and ask politely.

Update: Natalie's biophysical profile and fetal echocardiogram were excellent last week, as was my blood pressure, urine, and weight. She currently weighs about 4 pounds, 11 ounces, which I worried was a bit on the small side (I am not accustomed to being in the 20th percentile of anything!), but she's completely normal for dates. Dr. C. asked how nervous I was feeling, and I said I was ready to go, to which she replied, "Let's just get you to 36 weeks." Is this the opening I am hoping for? I'd be happy with 38. I'm sure my mother would be happy with a set date, too, since I think she's worried she's going to miss the birth!

*****

The instructor of our newborn care class made a comment to the effect of, "If you think you've got it bad, just be glad you're not a penguin," referring to the film, March of the Penguins. I thought, "Lady, if you're referring to the fact that lots of penguins don't make it due to the harsh conditions under which they are conceived, let's get something straight: some [human] babies die, too." I rented the film yesterday afternoon and was all weepy, of course. (Morgan Freeman's narrations get me every time.) The film did acknowledge the death of baby penguins, but I was struck that the only thing that was mentioned about the bereft mother penguins was that they were so overcome with grief that they would try to steal another mother's baby, which the other mothers would not allow. I wondered what happened to them after that. Were they shunned from the community? Did they return home without their baby or wait for the father to return to show him what happened? Would this decrease their chances of finding a suitable mate next season? That's the story I'd really like to hear.

Baby overload

I think I am starting to drive DH crazy with my obsessions with baby gear (swing or bouncer, which swing, which pattern, sling or front-carrier, bleach-free diapers, which diaper cream, etc.). Thankfully, one of the teachers at Realbirth on Sunday mentioned that it was completely normal (and serves a biological function) for women to be completely OCD surrounding the birth of their babies, so DH is cutting me a bit of slack. Truthfully, he is just as neurotic, but his neuroses manifest in different ways.

In really exciting news, "Uncle" Joel will be in town next month for the screening of his film, Mansyon, at the 29th NY Asian-American International Film Festival. (I have been dying, by the way, to see this film). He may even get to meet Natalie while he's in the country. Can't wait!

Father's Day

DH and I enjoyed a lovely Sunday together, which is a rare thing given that he usually works on Sundays. We spent the day attending breastfeeding and infant care classes at Realbirth. Both classes were excellent, and much better than the hospital-based classes we took when I was pregnant with Julian. I had left my previous breastfeeding class feeling completely overwhelmed and unprepared, but left the Realbirth class feeling confident and empowered by my own intuition.

While the classes and teachers were great, they also raised some very emotional issues for us, which we discussed through tears on the journey home. For one thing, the issue of SIDS came up in the context of sleeping preferences. Although our baby didn't die of SIDS, and I've only met one woman whose baby did die of SIDS, I felt very self-conscious about the discussion, sitting in a room presumably full of first-time parents who had never experienced the death of an infant. The conversation was fairly light and somewhat dismissive of the risk factors, which made me a little uncomfortable.

The most emotional aspect of the classes, however, was re-learning all the basics of newborn care that are intended to make a baby's transition from the womb to the real world feel as safe and comforting as possible, from the importance of skin-to-skin contact, to breastfeeding, to rooming-in with the baby in the hospital and discouraging unnecessary interruptions and interventions when possible. When the presenter said, "...unless your baby has to go to the NICU..." DH and I pretty much lost it. For most people, their NICU babies become NICU graduates, not babies who get a plaque in the hospital garden in their honor for having lost the battle for their lives in the NICU.

While DH and I know that Julian received the best medical care possible, and that all the interventions were necessary to help him, I think we will always feel very sad and even a little guilty about what he didn't get in his short little life. Forget that he didn't get to grow up--he didn't even get to experience his mother's arms until the day he died. He didn't get to look into our eyes or smell familiar smells or sleep in the same room as his mother, or any of the things we know to be so important during those first few days. This detachment must have been very hard on him, as I know it was, and still is for me. I can't bear the thought of him all alone in a NICU bed, even though I know that we were there. Natalie's upcoming birth will be especially emotional for those reasons. I truly hope we're able to have the best introduction possible this time around.

No news is good news

I feel like I haven't written a serious post in a while, is that why it seems that no one visits anymore? Could you possibly find pictures of my cats *that* boring??? (Don't answer that.)

I guess the weekly visits are starting to get a bit old, and I just want to bring Natalie home. Days like today are always so stressful, and tend to start with bouts of irritable bowel syndrome and extreme agitation until Dr. G. tells us that things look "perfect." DH and I have really been put through it with this pregnancy, and there isn't much more I can say about it, other than that I can't wait for it to be over. For the record, my last several echos have been very good, and while I feel reassured, I won't feel 100% out of the woods until the day my little girl comes home.

My OB wants to see me weekly now, too. Everything looked great from her perspective today, except for that trace amount of protein in my urine that won me my third 24-hour urine collection kit of this pregnancy (ugh!). The good news is that I've only gained 20 lbs. so far. Oh, and I think the baby dropped a few days ago, which I know doesn't really mean anything, but at least it makes me feel like she is truly coming any day now, even if any day is really over a month away.

My last visit with my psychiatrist, Dr. B., went very well. She thinks I'm doing well off the meds, was impressed with the successful way in which I truly have managed to make it through this pregnancy on my own terms (keeping a low profile, and therefore minimizing myself to unwanted attention, advice, or conversations), and best of all, without even knowing the extent of my domesticity, or my mentioning it, recommended that I get a cleaning lady. I asked her if she'd write that on an Rx pad so I could show it to DH. She just laughed, not realizing that I was completely serious!

In other news, I have been busy getting as much ready as I possibly can, so we really only have a few more necessities to pick up and things to line up, and we'll be all set. I really should book that cleaning lady, too...

If you're wondering how I *really* feel...

Check out sillyhummingbird's latest post. (Yes, I am being a lazy blogger).

The new hot spot

Feline 'It' duo Seamus and Sylvester exemplify understated aloofness and sophisticated detached style atop the newly proclaimed hot spot. (Leather sofa by Seaman's, sweatshirt compliments of Daddy).

Celebaby

If you haven't seen the renegade photos yet, I just have to say, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt is gorgeous. The official photos will be out in People tomorrow. She looks like both her parents, and when I saw the photos from Hello! Magazine a few days ago, it reminded me so much of the first time I saw Julian. After all the speculation about what he would look like, here was this familiar little person that I actually recognized without ever having seen him before. "Of course," I thought, "I have always known you." I am so looking forward to that experience again, when I see Natalie for the first time.

Grief, anxiety, guilt, and small victories

I am nearly 32 weeks and my general anxiety level seems to be through the roof these days. As my due date approaches, I feel more optimistic, but there is also that underlying fear of what could go wrong. To complicate matters, I think reality is setting in and I am also feeling nervous about parenting a baby that lives with me. Then I feel guilty, as though I should feel so grateful for having a living child that I'm only allowed to stress over life or death matters.

In order to feel a sense of control, I like to plan things. I am a planner by nature, but given that all my best laid plans for Julian didn't work out, I worry about planning too much with this pregnancy. The reality is, I live in Manhattan, so here I am, applying for daycare (and therefore pre-school, since I am applying to early childhood programs for children ages 6 months-5 years) over a year ahead of time.

In case you haven't heard, daycare and preschool admissions in Manhattan can be as competitive as college admissions (not to mention that once you get in, the cost of tuition is comparable to college as well). With all the Type A families that reside here, you practically have no choice but to play along, lest you find yourself without a space for your child. For this reason, I wept tears of joy when I read the following response from the admissions director at a local school to an inquiry as to when I should apply for Fall 2007 admission. (She remembered our family because I had applied to the school in 2004 for Julian, and had to break the news that we wouldn't be needing a space after all.)

"I have thought of you often and could not be happier for anyone. We would love to have your daughter and she will have a place here in 2007. I begin accepting applications in September, so once I receive your application, I will immediately place her on our roster."

Once again, I am overwhelmed by the compassion human beings are capable of, particularly when you least expect it, and with everything else going on, it is such a relief to know that there is one huge source of stress that we won't need to deal with. Now I just need to get on with bringing this little girl home!

A foot in both worlds

I just came upon an amazing non-profit organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS). With volunteer affiliate photographers in most states, NILMDTS provides sensitive and compassionate photography services to families experiencing the death of an infant. The photos on this site are moving and brilliant and even hopeful, despite the obvious sadness inherent in the theme of infant loss. What comes across even more than tragedy in the photos is the love and tenderness that each family feels for the child(ren) who died. I found the photos of the children with their living siblings to be especially profound. The photographs show such respect for the families and their children, without exploitation or manipulation, that they reminded me of the Victorian-era post-mortem photography I've discussed here before.

(If you're beginning to worry that I've crossed over into the dark side, rest assured that I have also been keeping myself busy with "normal people" activities like looking into daycare, baby shopping, and nesting--well, I don't know how much nesting I'm really doing in this oppressive heat... I'm just your average bereaved mother, perfectly capable of grieving one child while celebrating the coming of another.)

Birth and death

Seems that Gwen and Ang weren't the only ones to give birth this weekend. Our car's engine has been destroyed for the second time in 3 weeks by nesting rats. NYC rats don't mess around. The first time, mama simply chewed on the wires and filled the engine cavity with bits of paper, lint, glass, and whatever else she could find to provide warmth for her babies. Yesterday, after a leisurely drive, the engine warning light came on again. Upon inspection, it was obvious that mama had come back to deliver and had caused more damage along the way. The engine was again packed with nesting materials, which DH carefully and somewhat squeamishly removed with rubber gloves, revealing several tiny, no longer living babies, whom mama had likely been forced to abandon when we started the car earlier in the day. We were able to exhume all but the two tiniest runts, who were too tucked away to reach without the proper tools. Apart from the $400 we'll have to pay to take care of this (for the second time), we are both feeling quite disturbed and distressed over this incident. What is mama going to think or do when she comes back? We both feel silly, but also a little sad over this latest bizarre incident in our world.

100% girl

One of the residents who works with Dr. G. in cardiology added a little fun to our usual anxiety-provoking visit by giving us another peek between the baby's legs. For the first time ever, we saw LABIA. No doubt about it, Natalie's a girl! It may seem silly, but the image was very exciting, considering that without any visual proof to date, there was still a good chance that all the dresses I've bought for Natalie would end up being worn by Nathaniel.

The good word is that her heart still looks great, no sign of hydrops or anything else of concern at this point, and she's measuring according to dates, weighing approx. 3 lbs., 5 oz. On top of that, my BP was good, and I haven't gained any weight in the past 3 weeks, so I'm still at 17 lbs. total. I might just get through this pregnancy at nearly the same weight I was at the end of my pregnancy with Julian, which isn't too shabby, considering that I was able to lose that weight right away, even without the added advantage of being able to breastfeed.

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Stuff to watch:

If you haven't had the opportunity to see the award-winning documentary, "Little Man," it's currently airing on Showtime and is totally worth the box of tissues you'll go through as you learn about one family's struggle with life and death decisions regarding their premature son. The themes are controversial, often disturbing, and at times political, but also deeply personal and profoundly moving. This is a story that rarely gets told. Click here for local airtimes.

In a sub-subplot of episode 10 ("The Baptism") of my new favorite HBO show, "Big Love," a past family tragedy is revealed when Bill celebrates the birth of his new nephew with brother Joey and sister-in-law Wanda, and mother Lois pronounces matter-of-factly, "This one's gon' live."

I just rented the 2005 film, "Junebug," a quirky family drama that unexpectedly delves into the tragedy of stillbirth. The film was nominated for several film awards and stars one of my many fantasy boyfriends, Alessandro Nivola.

Happy dance!

I just found out that one of the most deserving people in the entire world got some really good news today, and I am overjoyed for her and her family! :)

The party is over

I've just had a nice visit with my mom, and a good check-up with the cardiologist last Friday, but I think that other recent events that I won't go into, in combination with my hormones and lack of pill popping have pushed me over the edge into pre-partum depression territory. Just when I thought I was coping so well, I'm suddenly reduced to a puddle of tears. Is it too soon for another vacation? Somebody wake me up in 8 weeks.

P.S. I was struck by the following on the bus the other day and thought I'd share (from MTA's "Poetry in Motion" series):

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in the grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other'
doesn't make any sense.

-Rumi

More frivolous baby things

To keep my mind off how anxious I have become in these past few days, as we approach the final 10-week countdown, I thought I'd bore you with talk of frivolous, though necessary, baby things. (Please don't think I've lost my mind, I'm just trying to distract myself from the paralyzing sense of fear and dread that could easily overtake me at any moment.)

Our stroller arrived, and we love it! I'll come clean--the stroller is indeed manufactured by Zooper, but I ordered it from (shhh!) Pottery Barn Kids. This particular stroller was made especially for PBK by Zooper, and most closely resembles the 2005 "Swing" and the 2006 "Hula" styles (the biggest differences are the rear wheel width, the fabric, and PBK label, which though subtle, may be offensive to your aesthetic sensibilities--it slightly offends mine, but I'll live with it for the price!).

The stroller is substantial, handsome looking, and easy to maneuver. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the stroller came with extras like a UV cover, infant seat adaptor, rain cover, and boot, which manufacturers like Maclaren and Bugaboo would gladly label as "optional" and charge extra for. It is surprisingly made in the U.S.A. and the customer service office (based in Portland) is amazing. If you are stroller shopping, be sure to check it out, and act quickly--it was a major steal at $129.99 (originally $249.99). I can only assume they didn't do well because lots of parents find it unsettling to buy a stroller from a furniture store, and perhaps it wasn't clear who the manufacturer was. If you need more convincing, the Zooper was a top pick in this year's edition of Baby Bargains (another must have item!).

Holiday in Vermont

We had a really restful long weekend in Vermont despite the non-stop rain. Robert (pictured above with Billings) learned to fly a Harris Hawk, and I had an excellent massage and pedicure. Mother's Day was not without its challenges, but I survived (I still haven't come up with a smooth way to answer the inevitable, "Is this your first... How many.... How old...?" I find that I am not able to lie, but also not able to come up with a one liner than won't lead to further questions--please send suggestions if you have them!). Best of all, we had our weekly echo before hitting the road and Natalie's heart looked great, so we were able to truly relax and enjoy our mini getaway together. Oh, and Robert bought me a lovely gold locket. :)

Mother's Day

DH and I are off to Vermont for the weekend, but before we leave, I'd like to address the controversial topic of Mother's Day. Last year, I felt confined to my apartment on Mother's Day, because I was scared to death that someone would ask me if I had any children, and I was in no state to cope with the public. This year, however, I feel more validated as a mother, and therefore more resolved not to let anyone take that away from me. On Sunday, I intend to honor myself, my children, my mother, and all the other extra-special mothers out there (particularly Catherine, Delphi, Lauralu, Gabesmama, NervousKitty, Sillyhummingbird, Deadbabymama, Kate, Anam, Jill, and other regular readers) who have had to struggle a little harder than most to achieve and sustain their status as mothers, and who experience the joy and pain of motherhood every single day.

Pregnant again

I just had lunch with an administrator who I like, but don't know very well, and haven't seen for a while. As we were walking down the street talking, out of nowhere, she stopped and asked, "Oh, are you pregnant again?" Of course I responded that I was, and before I had a chance to offer my usual qualifiers, she asked how things were going, and I told her the truth, that there have been lots of ups and downs, close monitoring, and unknowns, that this doesn't change things, and that there are no guarantees. Thankfully, she completely understood where I was coming from, yet didn't shy away from asking further questions about me or the baby. This is typical of this person--she is known for her offbeat and rather blunt communication style. I'm sure it's considered tactless by others, but at the moment, I find it particularly refreshing and comforting.

In other news, can you believe I just bought a STROLLER???? I never got around to buying one when I was pregnant with Julian, because I couldn't make up my mind. It feels like a big commitment, but just found one I like at a really good price that made it hard to pass up. I ended up going with a Zooper that is suitable from birth-40 lbs. I had originally been tied to getting a Maclaren, but the Zooper seems like the "indie stroller" in this city full of Bugs, Macs, and Stokkes. The design is actually similar to a Mac, but touted as being more value for money. I hope I don't end up regretting this!

The world is an unfair place

I just learned that someone in our virtual community has suffered another devastating loss. Please send your best to Catherine and her family. Following the stillbirth of her second son, Alex around this time last year, Catherine has lost Baby #3, who was due in September. We mourn with her.

THIRD TRIMESTER!

We're officially in the home stretch (no pun intended, though my stretchmarks seem to have taken on a checkerboard pattern this week)! Only 12 more (hopefully only 10 more, really) weeks to go!

Perfect

After a week of Trying Not To Think About It, yet succumbing to fear and anxiety anyway, I am happy to report that our cardio appointment went very well today. No sign of TR, enlargement of the heart, or any fluid where it shouldn't be. We, of course, were thrilled and relieved, and since Natalie was being especially cooperative and photogenic today, Dr. G. even took lots of pictures and recordings to demonstrate a particular procedure to one of her classes at a later date. My OB appointment went well, too--passed my glucose screen, BP was only 120/60, no protein in my urine, and I've only gained 17 lbs.! I will hit 28 weeks on Sunday and will officially enter the third trimester, which I hope flies by with fewer concerns than the second. Please, please, please.