Monday, June 26, 2006

Natalie's Room



I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon and share a recent photo of Natalie's room. This is my last week at work and I'm busy making preparations. I think I'll actually break down and wash her clothes next week. It's strange--as anxious as I am about bringing her home, the only thing that helps me get through it is to continue to get everything ready for her arrival. I know some people would be so paralyzed by fear that they'd worry about jinxing things.

Let's be clear. I'm scared to death. No amount of scans or tests can convince me of what I know. My first baby died, and I am in the unusual position of knowing more people whose babies have died than have come home. (Yes, this is a true statement. I still don't have a lot of close friends or co-workers with children, I don't have siblings, and DH's friends and family had their children a while ago). It reminds me of my friend, M., who spent her early career working with children with cancer. When she had her son, she was shocked that he was healthy, because all the other children in her life had cancer.

For me, the choice to have another child is a try without a guaranteed outcome. It's a leap of faith, and faith is not something I'm very big on, being someone who tends to rely on a combination of facts and intuition. Every week that Natalie is still with us is a joy and a relief, but pregnancy is still a scary place for me to be and I look forward to the day she is living on the outside, in the safety of the home that has been awaiting her for what feels like years. I hope my OB will agree to induce me earlier than 39 weeks if I am going crazy and ask politely.

Update: Natalie's biophysical profile and fetal echocardiogram were excellent last week, as was my blood pressure, urine, and weight. She currently weighs about 4 pounds, 11 ounces, which I worried was a bit on the small side (I am not accustomed to being in the 20th percentile of anything!), but she's completely normal for dates. Dr. C. asked how nervous I was feeling, and I said I was ready to go, to which she replied, "Let's just get you to 36 weeks." Is this the opening I am hoping for? I'd be happy with 38. I'm sure my mother would be happy with a set date, too, since I think she's worried she's going to miss the birth!

*****

The instructor of our newborn care class made a comment to the effect of, "If you think you've got it bad, just be glad you're not a penguin," referring to the film, March of the Penguins. I thought, "Lady, if you're referring to the fact that lots of penguins don't make it due to the harsh conditions under which they are conceived, let's get something straight: some [human] babies die, too." I rented the film yesterday afternoon and was all weepy, of course. (Morgan Freeman's narrations get me every time.) The film did acknowledge the death of baby penguins, but I was struck that the only thing that was mentioned about the bereft mother penguins was that they were so overcome with grief that they would try to steal another mother's baby, which the other mothers would not allow. I wondered what happened to them after that. Were they shunned from the community? Did they return home without their baby or wait for the father to return to show him what happened? Would this decrease their chances of finding a suitable mate next season? That's the story I'd really like to hear.

9 comments:

Muddystingbee said...

What a beautiful room. I'm glad you're able to take that leap of faith - I know it's been good for me in a lot of ways.

I saw March of the Penguins last summer not long after we lost Joseph - I wasn't expecting the part about the lost baby penguins and it blindsided me. And I wondered the same things you did about the mother penguins...

sillyhummingbird said...

Natalie's room is beautiful. As scared as I am as well, I am starting to prep for him and it does do amazing things--being hopeful.

I wish you (and me, and all of us) weren't scared to death. I wish that we didn't experience what we did and know what we know about pregnancy. I wish there was no awkwardness when asked, "is this your first?" or listening to first-timers talk so nonchalantly.

And what good news about your baby girl! Such a short time left! Wishing you peace as you anxiously and joyfully await her arrival.

delphi said...

I decided to miss the penguin movie. Maybe someday...when there are other little eyes to watch it too.

laura said...

i walked into a preview of "penguins" and got blindsided, so soon after i lost hans. it was beautiful and horrible at the same time. maybe time would give me some perspective.

as to the preparation, you've done a lovely job! but i understand the catch-22 of needing to prepare but the preparation feeling like the temptation of fate. sucks.

lorem ipsum said...

I got that movie for Christmas and still haven't watched it. There never seems to be a 'right' time to watch babies dying, even if they are animals.

Anonymous said...

Fellow New Yorker delurking again:

Natalie's room is lovely.

After my first baby was stillborn at 34 weeks, I too wondered if I would jinx the second pregnancy by preparing for the new baby's arrival. I couldn't concretely imagine bringing home my baby. I dreamed about A baby coming home, but I couldn't wrap my head around bringing MY baby home.

The paradox is that after my second son was born, life became more recognizable; yet I was forever different.

As an aside--I also went to RealBirth--but for breastfeeding help. I can almost imagine how you feel being surrounded by not only naive and oblivious expectant parents, but an instructor as well.

Here's my email if you want local support: feath1@hotmail.com

-Heather

Sherry said...

Natalie's room is just beautiful!

I haven't seen "Penguins" and probably won't. I almost rented it once - and then overheard a family in the video store talking about the babies. That was all I needed to hear. I live that kind of loss day to day - I don't want to see other animals go through that anguish, too. Maybe that's a silly way to look at it, but it works for me, for now.

Anonymous said...

What a gorgeous room you have made for Natalie, she is a very lucky little girl. I am SO happy to hear that all is going well. I completely understand how torn you are about preparing for her arrival. I was terrified I would be jinxing my pregnancy, but once our son arrived prematurely, I was so relieved we could just focus on being with him, rather than rushing around trying to buy cots, nappies, etc.

Try to enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy, as hard as that sounds!

Emma's Mum said...

I love Natalie's room....the colors are so peaceful. I hope that you are doing ok and are able to enjoy the excitement of Natalie's arrival (at least some of the time). I admire your strength.