Nearly 6 months old!

Post-Holidays X-Mas Photo

Goodbye, 2006 (and 2005 and 2004)

Can I just say how relieved I am that 2006 is over? I was pregnant for some part of 2004, 2005, and 2006, which feels like I was pregnant for an entire three years. (And from all the hormonal and physical changes, you'd believe me if I told you I was, but that's another story).
I am so thankful that Natalie is here, but I still feel like I am recuperating from a tremendous trauma. I'm working on it, but I also know that these feelings are likely to remain with me, at least to some degree. For better and for worse, I am different than I was in 2003 in profound ways. Here's to living with who I am now, in 2007. I am so grateful to all my blogger friends for accompanying me along this often painful and more recently joyful journey, and I am honored to join you in anticipating better times ahead for you and your families.

Boxing Day

Natalie playing with Tyler Turtle in her Bumbo on Boxing Day

Balloons for Julian

Happy 2nd birthday, my beautiful boy, wherever you are...

Julian was here

Remembering Julian Innes Fader (12/20/04 - 12/23/04), today, tomorrow, and always.

Bittersweet

Natalie will be five months next week, and just the other night, for the first time ever, she managed to roll over right before my very eyes! Now that she knows how to do it, of course, she won't stop, even though she hasn't managed to figure out how to roll back the other way and hates being on her tummy. Oh well. All in due time. I'm glad my sister-in-law, R., was here to witness it, too. Oh, and the Gentlease has really helped in the poop department, so all is well here.

I'm having lots of complicated emotions as Julian's birthday approaches. On one hand, Natalie gets cuter and more fun by the minute. On the other, watching her grow reminds me of all the things I missed out on with Julian. At certain angles, she still looks very much like him, which makes me smile, and makes me teary at the same time. Since we didn't have much of a Christmas in 2004 or 2005, I have been determined to make Natalie's first Christmas the best ever for our family. The tree, the presents, cards, etc. Admittedly, though, it's been a little difficult juggling competing emotions, especially since I haven't quite decided what I'd like to do to remember Julian on his birthday this year (not that I don't remember him every day).

Anyway, my point is that, yes, I have been blessed with the loveliest daughter ever, and yes, she does make life great, but sadly, there is nothing that can bring my son back or change the reality of his death. I haven't simply moved on and am not approaching the holidays with a fresh new start, as some may imagine. For the first time in what feels like ages, I am allowing myself to experience the joy of the season, while accepting the sadnesses that remain a part of this time of year for us.

I saw this on Sherry's blog, and thought I'd post it here in case it helps someone.

Holiday Bill of Rights for Grieving Parents

I have the right to go from ecstatic to tears in 30 seconds.

I have the right to be excited about going holiday shopping, only to get there and need to leave because of a panic attack.

I have the right to not be joyful every single moment or day of the holiday season.

I have the right to not send out Christmas cards, AGAIN.

I have the right to NOT listen to Christmas music when I can't bear it.

I have the right to be quiet, continue to grieve my child and be alone when I need to.

I have the right to choose not to participate in gift exchanges and holiday celebrations at my place of work, worship, or anywhere else.

I have the right to look for and feel joy and love in the holidays in my life; just please don't try and force it on me. I'll find it on my own.

I have the right to want to buy my child a Christmas present and take it to the cemetery.

I have the right to buy the present and decide that I can't bear to take it to the cemetery.

I have the right to get to my family's house late and leave early.

I have the right to walk outside and get away for a bit of fresh air when it gets to be too overwhelming.

I have the right to include my child in any activity that I want without getting the "funny looks."
I have the right to be angry.

I have the right to be alone with my child and not have to explain why I want to be alone.

I have the right to laugh at unexpected times and hug a pillow and talk to myself when I am remembering.

I have the right to long to have my child back, to have the life I once had.

I have the right to find a way to honor and remember my child during the holidays by whatever
ritual I feel comfortable with.

I have the right to be me... the one who now exists.

4 1/2 months old

Natalie had her second round of shots yesterday and is feeling quite delicate and requiring lots of cuddling. At 4 1/2 months old, she has moved into the 75th percentile on the growth charts, is pretty much sleeping through the night, and is really content and alert most of the time. On the downside, her head's a little flat and she really should poop more, so we are working on tummy time and switching formulas.

On another note, I can believe Julian would have been 2 years old in a few weeks. I often think about what it would be like to have both my children here. I'm sure that having Natalie here will make dealing with his anniversaries less difficult, but admittedly, I'm approaching the dates with an increasing sense of trepidation. When Natalie's old enough, perhaps we can celebrate her big brother's birthday with a cake.

She's just not that into you

Miss Natalie turned 3 months old today! To celebrate her newfound maturity, we took a special trip to Macy's Herald Square to visit the jolly one. Although she didn't cry, Natalie was not all that impressed with Santa. Santaland was even more surreal than David Sedaris described, proving that maybe the whole Santa thing is just a tad creepy after all... That being said, I couldn't resist shelling out the $15.99 + tax for this lovely photo, which I expect to be able to use as blackmail when Natalie is 16.

Poll: baby food processors

Please send in your opinions on the best baby food processor on the market. Dex? Magic Bullet? Other? Thanks! (I don't need it yet, but am planning ahead.)

A day at the park

Daddy and Natalie enjoy an afternoon in Riverside Park

Yay, Dems!

Natalie celebrates the Democratic victory with friend, Dylan the Donkey. (Thanks to Jackie for the adorable blue outfit and Stacy for the Tiffany rattle!)

Natalie's first baby doll

We had a great time at Music Together today! Natalie is the youngest baby in class, and everyone noticed how she recognized her name for the first time today during the Hello song. Before class we picked up a new, anatomically correct doll for her to play with. She already loves cuddling with her new friend!

Strike a pose

Natalie strikes a pose in her Bumbo seat, one of the greatest ever inventions in baby gear!

Natalie's first concert

The three of us thoroughly enjoyed our first concert together as a family. Elizabeth Mitchell performed beautifully for children and adults of all ages at Symphony Space this weekend with husband, Daniel, and 5 year old daughter, Storey. Natalie willed herself to stay awake and engaged for the duration of the show while Robert and I tried to hold back tears over the sheer joy we felt to be there with her. Life is good.

Out on the town with Mommy & Grandma

Natalie was a superstar today, allowing herself to be photographed with and passed around to all kinds of people while visiting our friends at a casting studio this afternoon, all the while behaving like the perfect little happy baby she (mostly) is. After all the glamour and excitement, we came home and took pictures of our own with Grandma, who is going back to Michigan tomorrow. We've been spoiled having her around!

On a serious note

I am heartbroken over one of my SPALS friend's horrible news about the little girl she is carrying. Her first baby, a boy, was born with cardiomyopathy as well as a rare metabolic disorder, the same year Julian was born. She went on to have a healthy baby girl last year, and gave her a variation of her son's name as a middle name, like we did. She is currently 27 weeks pregnant and found out last week that her little girl, whose name they have now shared with our community, has the same condition that her son died of in 2004. Sadly, the baby's heart is deteriorating, and her chances for survival in utero for more than a few more days are slim, so labor will be induced tomorrow and the family is preparing to say goodbye to yet another loved and wanted child.

This makes me incredibly sad, as we have much in common with this family, and this could have so easily been us, with the scares about Natalie's heart in my second trimester. The world is an incredibly unfair place. I have left SPALS for the time being, although I have conflicting feelings about it, and know that I will miss being a part of a community that has supported me and which I have supported for the past 2 years, but I think it's time for me to move forward. Now that Natalie is here, I feel so incredibly lucky and find the thought of another high-risk pregnancy and another possible loss that much more horrifyingly unbearable.

Whether you meditate, pray, shop, do yoga, breathe, or whatever, please keep this family in your thoughts.

The prettiest elephant

Natalie enjoyed her first Halloween for about 5 minutes before passing out from all the excitement. (They were fresh out of donkey costumes...)

Lucky girl

My first week back to work went surprisingly well, I think. (I can't complain, I am only working 3.5 days/week until next July). Everyone has been really nice and supportive, and work actually feels like a day at the spa compared to the hard work of raising one demanding, yet completely adorable and mostly well-behaved baby girl. As you can see, Natalie is healthy, happy, and stronger than she was last week, when she wouldn't even tolerate the dreaded "tummy time" for more than 15 seconds. She's having fun with Daddy and getting lots of spoiling from Grandma at the moment, after several days of being spoiled by her fabulous Aunties from the UK. What a lucky girl!

Party over

"After 3 months of leisurely lunches, movies, and music classes with Mommy and my new baby friends, strolls in the park, hanging with my Grandma and Granny and shopping with my Aunties, the party is officially over for Mommy and just beginning for Daddy, who will be taking care of me when Mommy goes back to work tomorrow!"