Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I officially hate this blog.

Warning: this is a long rambling vent where at the end I think I decide to stop writing this blog.

I hate that I haven't been able to post as often as I'd like. Finding the time to blog while being a working mom of a living child is tough, but worse is the feeling that I have lots to say about the unique experience of being a mother of a subsequent baby but am too conflicted to find the words to fully express how I am feeling, or even if I could, I couldn't post them here because half the people who visit this blog only come by to see the cute baby pics I usually post when I'm feeling too stifled to speak my mind. Sometimes I wish I had chosen to remain anonymous when I started this so I wouldn't feel the need to self-censor. I have a lot to say and it's not all pretty and I'm not sorry. I am very capable of separating the love and joy I feel over my little girl from the sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, isolation, and loneliness I feel about my son's death and the impact it has had on my identity and interpersonal interactions, yet it's too easy for those outside the babyloss inner circle to interpret that to mean that I am not as far along as I "should" be in the grief process, that I need therapy, that I need to believe in a higher power, that I'm overly hostile or confrontational, that I don't love my daughter enough, that I'm not trying hard enough to move on, that I'm dwelling on the past, etc. If it's not already clear, any of those conclusions couldn't be further from the truth. Research and experience will tell you that all of this is normal and that it is absolutely possible to be a functional human being, hold down a job, be a loving mother and wife, feel what I feel, and not be certifiable. Most people just don't want to know, and I don't know if I blame them. I'm not going anywhere, and I fully intend to stay in touch with all the friends I have made in the blogosphere (thank you for everything!), but my heart isn't in this anymore. Perhaps at some point I will start a pink and fuzzy new blog fit for public consumption and another for those who inhabit the dark side. In the meantime, you can find some of my friends and me at http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/.

10 comments:

Catherine said...

I will miss your posts...but I understand. Much love to you.

delphi said...

Well, I'm glad to know where to find you... you'll always know where to find me.

Jill said...

I will miss your posts, as I often wonder if you are going through some of the same issues I am. Anytime you want to talk things through, just e-mail me. I think there are things that parents of a living child after a loss have to face that parents who have experienced only healthy, living children cannot fathom.

I hope all of you are doing well.

Jill

three minute palaver said...

I will always wish lovely wonderful things for you and Natalie and Robert . much love Clare

Anonymous said...

i truly understand and will sorely miss reading your posts. thank you for sharing your insights... and your children.

warm wishes,
jen

Anonymous said...

I understand where you are coming from... probably the reason I have never had a blog. I would appreciate knowing how you are from time to time if you will no longer be posting here since you are not on SPALS anymore either. I will always have a special place for you, Julian, and Natalie as we walked the road together. Please keep in touch.

Christie (Charlie's momma)

Aussie Kate said...

I'm so sorry that you wont be continuing your blog :( It has brought me so much food for thought since I started reading. I, for one, would keep reading if you decided to continue, especially if you have the heart to tackle your true thoughts and feelings. But if you dont, I completely understand why. And you know where to find me :)

Mad Mommy said...

it's a tough spot, one i've tried to wriggle out of by splitting into two blogs, but it's tough, and one (the anonymous one) gets short shrift. if you decide to blog again, please let me know. and keep in touch!

ayala said...

So this is now my third time writing to you this morning. Glad to see other spals moms here--and glad I checked, seeing as it seems this is quite an update on what's happening with you. I know what you mean--my current heart-gnawing experience is seeing cute 3 y.o. girls in their spring dresses...For me you will always be Julian's mama first, Natalie's second--that's just how I know you. Write if you'd like...

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