I'm taking a break from my rigorous pumping schedule to vent about something that has been really bugging me lately. I know folks mean well, but it hurts when people say things like, "You're going to be a great mom," or "welcome to motherhood," or "how's it feel to be a new mom?" Apparently I haven't stomped my feet and hollered enough for the past two years to let people know that I have been a mother for some time now, and that having Natalie doesn't erase anything that has happened, though it does change our focus.
Yes, I appreciate that I am a new mom to Natalie, and that parenting a live newborn is a completely new, challenging, and somewhat terrifying experience for me, much different than parenting an idealized dead child, but it's upsetting that it's so hard for most people to understand that I have been a mother since Julian was conceived, was born, and died in 2004. If nurturing him in my body for 9.5 months, giving birth to him, overseeing his medical care, fighting with the insurance company over bills, having him cremated, sending out birth/death cards, displaying his photo in our home, and trying to make sure he is remembered don't count for active mothering, I don't know what does.
Yesterday, I had the following response to a birth announcement I sent out, stating that Robert and I were pleased to announce the safe arrival of our second child: "Blessings to you and your two daughters." HUH? I thanked the person and reminded her politely that actually, we have a daughter and a son who died in 2004. Her response was even worse. Basically it went, "Oops, I forgot. Since you only have her, I won't ask if I can have her!" Thanks for the emphasis on the word "only." I am not close with this person (obviously), or I would have had a huge fit.
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21 comments:
!!!????!?!?!? People are complete idiots. Ugh.
Yeah, this has plagued us too. I'm not sure what to say except something like "yes, parenting a living child sure is different than parenting a dead one!"
It just sucks that people constantly turn to colloquialisms when speaking - things like calling you a "new mom". Sorry, folks, but these things just don't fit for some of us.
Thank you for writing this -- I have been thinking about this a lot myself this week - and having another child is still so far away for me. I don't even like to think about it as trying again b/c that somehow denies Emma's life in my mind. Of course, you have been mother for a long time now and have already had to make the most difficult parenting decisions you will ever have to deal with. I wish people would realize this. And, yes, people can be so stupid. I really like the idea of your birth announcement, by the way....if you don't mind, could you post a copy of it? I would love to see it!
Emma's Mum--the announcement I was referring to was just one I sent over email. The wording was "Robert and I are pleased to announce the safe arrival of our second child, Natalie Juliana [fill in stats here.] I did this in response to some of the words of congratulations I've received that seemed to ignore the fact that we had another baby. I didn't end up referring to Julian in my formal printed announcements, mainly due to space limitations, but also to give Natalie her full due. I was conflicted and thought about it for a good long while, though. Some may disagree, but I think it's good that you're thinking about these things now, to prepare for having another child if and when you're ready. These issues will definitely arise, and the fact that you had a baby who died doesn't go away once you have a living one. The issues become more complicated and more difficult to explain to others in my experience so far, so I'm glad I anticipated them before they happened.
I think you NEED to stay clear of all the idiots and asshats in your vicinity. and take good care of yourself. (hugs)
i am also the mother to a baby that died and a mother to two beautiful living children. But I think that you are being a bit harsh on those around you. You have to understabnd that no one is going to love Julian the way that you do. It is a sad but very true fact.
When I laid down with my husband to conceive my son no one was there but us . When I carried him in my uterus no one felt his kiks and punches but me.When I gave birth prematurely only my dh and I were in the delivery room. So why would i expect other people to have such a higher level of understanding once he died. I have recognized that that only my dh and I will love and appreciate this child the way we think he ought to be appreciated. We have had his anniversary come up twice and not one person in our family or circle of friends remembered. The most important thing is that WE remembered. Who cares if someone else forgot? He is OUR son not theirs!
Listen, If your son didn't die would you have said all the right things to someone who lost their child? You only know what to say and how to say it because you have been through the heart ache and pain. To survive,you will have to lower your expectations of others around you and cut them a lot of slack. If you chose not to,you will be a very unhappy camper for years to come. People will continue to say and do things that you don't appreciate regardless how many times you try to correct them
I was going to come out of lurkdom to shake my cyber-head in wonder at the inappropriate response of your acquaintance, but I find myself sufficiently outraged by anon's comments to take this in a different direction.
Anon, Alysse doesn't have to do anything just because you say she should. I'm very sorry for your loss, but you handled it the way you needed to, and Alysse is doing the same. It seems that you meant to offer some words of comfort, but that message is completely obscured by your sanctimonious tone.
Alysse, congratulations on the birth of Natalie. At least from what's displayed in this tiny online piece of your life, I think you're doing a wonderful job balancing the celebration of her arrival with the emotion of remembering and honoring Julian.
Since you chose to post anonymously, I have no idea who you are, but of course you have every right to your opinion and reactions, since everyone grieves differently.
However, this is my space to express my thoughts and feelings about my children, and I believe that the examples I gave of peoples' lack of sensitivity were particularly hurtful and appalling. Apparently, others do, too.
I don't expect cards and flowers or constant doting--my basic expectation of the people around me is simply that they give some thought to what they say, given their awareness of our situation. This is nothing more than basic human sensitivity and compassion, which, yes, I do believe I had before my son died.
I will always politely correct anyone who directly insults or dismisses either of my child, living or dead, the same way a mother of two living children would ferociously protect her children.
I don't think I'd be able to talk about my experiences in such an open and public way if I was not capable of the same compassion and sensitivity that I expect from others. Having this simple expectation won't lead to me being an unhappy camper, but it will certainly result in a more carefully selected pool of friends, which is a good thing, the way I see it.
Thanks, cheek!
Alysse,
Your response to anonymoous above is beautifully said and so very very true!
I agree with you Alysse, re: anon's comment. I also would like to point out that, in my experience, my family has been relatively supportive and understanding. And they love and acknowledge my son nearly as much as I do. I am sorry that Anon hasn't had that support.
I do have the expectation that simple human compassion be shown with regards to my son. He lived, he was and is a part of my life, and if other people want to be part of my life, I expect that they acknowledge him as part of me. Otherwise I cannot involve them in my life.
I agree with Anon in the sense that it is up to us as parents to ensure that our children are remembered and loved in the way that they deserve. But I really feel like the only way that the world at large will be capable of showing empathy is if we, as Alysse put it, gently and politely remind them that it is inappropriate and hurtful to dismiss our dead children as if they had never existed.
This comment isn't meant to flame Anon - you have the right to your feelings on the subject. I am only re-commenting because I feel this is such an important topic for all parents of dead children (not just babies). People don't dismiss your parents when they die, or expect you to forget or replace them. So those same people must be taught to feel the same way about our children.
Peace to all.
To Cheek
First of all, Where did I write that Alysse HAS to do what I say. You must have gotten u p pn the worng side of the bed or something Please re-read before posting such garbage.
Secondly my tone is not sanctimonius. However you seem pretty abrasive toward someone with a difference in opinion.Is that how you react to everyone around you? I'd hate to be you ..can't imagine what type of life you live..must be pretty lonely. I never said that she was doing an awful job of balancing the birth of her daughter and the death of her son. Yes i am entitled to my opinion just like everybody else. So Cheek explain to me, being supportive means that I have to agree with everything the person says? I don't think so. When my son died I lashed out at a close friend and my dh told me that I was a bit over the top with nmy reaction. At the time I blasted him as well because i felt he was not supporting me but after a few weeks passed and i realized the rrors in my ways I apologized to my friend and my dh. So was my Dh supportive in this instant? yes he was. He surely didn't agree with my attitude but he had the guts to say that i was bieng rude to my friend. So you don't have to agree with eveything someone say or does to be supportive.
To Delphi, I never
said that my friends and family were not supportive. Listen, if you think that five years from now everyone will remember the anniversary (birth and death of your baby)the way you do then good luck! AND if you chose to dismiss/cut out every single person who does not acknowledge your child the way you do, then again that's up to you. I have two living children and I want them to have as much love and support from evryone as they can(at some point I stopped thinking of myself) . If I cut out everyone who offends me(trust me the list could get really long) then my living children will suffer. I don't know what your religious background is but I believe my son is in a much better, calmer, and happier place than where I'm at. Cutting people out of my life because they don't acknowledge my son in a manner that I deem appropriate isn't going to bring him back and where he's at I'm sure he doesn't care about what people are thinking of him...well maybe he's cares what his parents think of him.
I never said that it was ok for people to make snide remarks and turn their backs on someone whose child died. I said that in THIS particular instance I din't think that Alysse's friends/aquaintances were dismissing her son... at least on purpose.
No people don't dismiss dead parents but at some point the focus changes and people (that is those around you) begin to share in other joys that you may experience without necessarily bringing up or mentioning the deceased all of the time. It doesn't mean that they hate you or your deceased relative.
Yes I expect people to be sensitive but sensitivity has to work both ways. If someone slips up or makes a mistake I don't have to chastise them or keep correcting them.To me if I keep doing that, then I'm really the one being sanctimonius. Heaven forbid, If I make a mistake Isurely wouldn't want someone to cut me out of their life or read me the riot act. C'mon compassion works both ways.
To Alysse, I've always respected you (that's why I read ONLY YOUR blog) and I'm sorry if I offended you but I'm glad you acknowledge I that do have a difference of opinion. If this is my crime then send me off to jail right now.
Maybe Cheek should learn that people don't always think alike..perhaps in her utopia but on planet Earth it doesn't work that way
Since this is my blog (where I am free to delete any comments I deem inappropriate), and not an anonymous message board, I kindly request that we save criticisms of each others' parenting styles and choices for urbanbaby.com and the like. That being said, thanks to everyone for your comments and the respect and support you have shown me.
I believe that how we choose to deal with grief and disappointment with our friends and relatives is a personal choice, based on our individual circumstances, personality, and level of support. In my case, I've never been able to tolerate a lot of bs from people, but have also never been short of friends and supporters.
I can honestly say that for every friend or acquaintance I've lost (mostly by their own choice, by the way, not mine, since they are the ones who dropped off the face of the earth when my son died b/c they couldn't handle it), I've gained another. I prefer to surround myself with understanding, sensitive, and compassionate people, and for me, quality is more important than quantity.
I feel good about the level of support I am currently receiving from various sources, and I feel good about the positive influence these people will have on my daughter. The end of certain relationships, by my choice or not, has been for the best in terms of my mental and emotional well-being. I believe that relationships that could not survive the loss of my child were bound to end anyway, since they probably weren't that strong to begin with. I simply do not have the energy to manage relationships with people who don't "get it" and I feel so much less stressed when I limit my exposure to them.
Well said, Alysse. I apologize for escalating the situation with anonymous. I can only read "You have to understand" and "You have to lower your expectations" and (paraphrasing) "Unless you do this, you will be unhappy for years to come" so many times before I start to get upset.
I would never presume to tell anyone how to manage their grief - it just ain't cool, but I shouldn't have hurled insults.
Hell, you gave that person a shovel to dig herself out of a hole and what's she do? Digs it deeper, all the while flinging dirt right in your face.
You handle yourself so gracefully. More's the pity that the morons who need it most are too silly to appreciate it.
Dear Alysse,
You are an amazing woman and know that you always have your support. I appologize for continuing a conversation that is better left alone.
To Anon,
I respectfully disagree with you. We are obviously in very difference places. All the best to you.
I think everyone needs to remember that this is Alysse's space and it's all about Alysse and not all about any of us. and I think anyone who either can't understand that or has so many opinions that they've just got to get out there, then they should start up their own blog. This is a place for Alysse and anyone who wants to hear and support her. and that's it.
oh and Alysse, I love the blog name change. very sweet :)
working hard to bite my tongue here, so i will instead say, man, alysse, i feel for you. i think i've been so militant that people are scared to say anything around me for fear of it being the wrong thing - which frankly is okay with me, because i don't need to deal with dumb things being said - but i keep hearing these kinds of comments being made to milo's and hans's grandparents, and they frustrate me completely.
Please don't anyone (cheek, delphi)apologize for sticking up for me! I truly appreciate the support. Thanks for your comments, Clare. That is kind of the point I was hoping to get across here. We now return to the previously scheduled blog...
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