...don't say anything at all. I guess that's why I haven't posted in nearly two months. The response to my blog has been amazing, but realizing that people are looking to me for hopeful and inspiring words is too much pressure right now. I haven't been feeling very full of hope or inspiration lately.
Being back at work is not the greatest thing with no baby to go home to, to make all the stress worthwhile. I'm not as focused as I used to be, and I hardly have any memory of anything that happened before Julian was born. My son, who lived and breathed and was a part of me, is dead. It's hard to feel hopeful about life, or to think of much else, under those circumstances.
My little boy would be 5 months old today. Very few people remember these anniversaries at this point. I feel like I am expected to have "moved on" by now by those who don't understand that grieving the loss of a child is a very non-linear process. Another thing I don't think people realize is that Robert and I are not just sad and feeling sorry for ourselves. We are sad and very sorry for our son, who never got to go outside, laugh, make love, eat strawberries...
I am reminded of this every time I see or hear of a pregnant woman, a couple with a newborn, or a father and son enjoying their lives together, probably never thinking that the worst could happen to them. Because 5 months is a long time to some people, people we know think the worst of our pain is over, and think nothing of casually mentioning other babies to us. I have been dodging acquaintances with babies and small children recently because it's not fair to put myself in the position of being pressured to interact with someone else's baby.
Truth be told, I have no intention of holding a baby that isn't my own anytime in the foreseeable future. I usually know myself very well and can anticipate my responses, but not knowing how I would react to holding another baby makes me very anxious and sad, so for now I feel I'm better off just avoiding the situation altogether.
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1 comment:
Alysse, you are an amazing mother. I'm so sorry Julian won't know you on this side of heaven.
What a beautiful baby he was!
I'm sitting here and I can't possibly get my mind around why God allowed him to die. I know Julian's life has meaning and purpose despite how brief it was but even as I think that-I hear the echo of BUT WHY?! in my head.
I am thankful to have met Julian through your blog but I am very aware that The world (including me)has been permanently cheated out of knowing your beautiful son and that makes me incredibly sad.
As for the perception that 5 months might be enough time for a person to do their 'grief work'--I can only wonder how even a whole lifetime of grief could ever be 'enough' for your precious Julian?
You don't know me, but I am so proud of you for choosing to live in the face of this unbearable grief. I can only imagine that Julian is proud of his Mama too.
I am praying for you and I'm pulling for you.
Tayloe in Florida
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